Damn good.
]]>Dazed, he looks over and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding!
Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance. He carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road.
After a while, he sees a light coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.
A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts out, "My name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"
"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him!"
When inside, an older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant has misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, we are miles from the nearest clinic, I have had basic medical training, I will see what I can do. Igor, show them down to the laboratory."
Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.
After his examination, Igor's master looks worried.
"Things are serious, Igor.. Prepare a transfusion."
Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail.
Bob and Betty Hill are no more.
The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he goes into his conservatory which houses his grand piano. It is here he has always found solace.. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house..
Igor is still in the lab and his eyes catch movement. He notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed when Betty and Bob both sit up straight!
Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.
He bursts in and shouts: "Master, Master! .....
(wait for it !)
... the Hills are alive with the sound of music!"
]]>
Damn good.
]]>
According to MSN, these are the ten most recession-proof jobs. I'm not too sure about the inclusion of construction workers, myself, but then what do I know.
1. Human resources managers
2. Construction workers
3. Public relations professionals
4. Teachers
5. Midwifery
6. IT Consultants
7. Nursing
8. Accountancy
9. Oil workers
10. Market researchers
Source
http://msn.careerbuilder.co.uk/Article/MSN-216-Job-Search-10-Growing-Jobs-Despite-the-Economy/?SiteId=int_ukmsn_a216hp&sc_extcmp=int_ukmsn_a216hp>1=62500
]]>22 January: Threshers and Wine Rack off-licence in talks
12 January: Land of Leather in administration
9 January: Cardfair and Card Warehouse chains close down
7 January: Viyella in administration
7 January: Miller Brothers, electrical goods retailer in administration
6 January: Passion for Perfume - redundancies
5 January: Adams childrenswear in administration
5 January: Waterford Wedgwood in administration
2008
30 December: Olan Mills set to enter administration
29 December: USC fashion chain enters administration
24 December: Zavvi, formerly Virgin Megastores, appoints administrators
23 December: Officers Club in administration
23 December: Whittard of Chelsea bought out of "pre-pack administration" by Epic
12 December: Strategy Retail group that includes Fads, in administration
4 December: The Pier collapses in administration
26 November: Woolworths in administration
26 November: MFI in administration
21 November: MK One fashion in administration
10 October: Hardy Amies files for administration
1 October: Miss Sixty fashion (Energie fashion brand) in administration
26 September: Joy clothes/homeware in administration
26 September: Rosebys calls in administration
25 September: Willis Gambier in administration (furniture supplier to Marks & Spencer and John Lewis)
4 August: Wrapit internet wedding list company in crisis
21 July: Floors-2-Go collapses
3 July: Sofa chain ScS Upholstery rescued by Sun European Partners
26 June: Ilva danish furniture UK business in administration
21 May: MK One chain in administration only 3wks after being acquired by Hilco
12 May: New Heights shuts all its shops
15 April: Ethel Austin collapses
1 April: Sleep Depot in administration
1 April: Toyzone in administration
11 February: Base in administration
10 February: Elvi in administration
1 February: The Works in administration
28 January: Stead & Simpson bought out of administration by Shoe Zone
21 January: Dolcis in administration
Jan 07: Blooming Marvellous tbc
]]>Mind you, I'm sure we've all had nights out like that, though.
]]>This guy has loads more...
http://www.vigay.com/nouns/
Turned out casing was a bit scratched but no biggie. Poor guy had been sent up the wrong creek by his sat nav & I wished him well getting out the other end.
Rest of the day didn't go as well.
Had to cancel the Dylan Moran tickets 
Finally gave up on MFI & referred it to Trading Standards 
Went to the butchers for some chicken & when I got it out to cook it for tea found it was off 
... time to look for a new butchers, methinks
]]>
I have no idea why I keep dreaming that Johnny Vegas and I are on some sort of journey/adventure together.
The last time, we were in a luxurious hotel trying to head downstairs to find a hospital or some form of treatment for hurt limbs after a hectic sojourn through hell & high tide. We found the hotel swimming pool, which was a far better distraction.
This time we'd been on some far flung trip, down rapids at one point I think - but that's what comes of playing Wii golf too late at night (I'd got the flowing rivers implanted on my retina, I think). I gave him a 'mate' kind of hug at the end - he had a really nice, dark blue, soft jersey top on. I remember thinking, what lovely soft cotton.
Ho hum.
]]>origami bank has folded
playboy bank is bust
charles kennedy's bank is in liquidation
the Olly Reed bank is on the rocks
the bank of associated mountaineers has said that investments may not reach their peak
even the bank of Australia may be going under
the Icelandic Donkey Sanctuary has frozen its assets
the tailor's co-operative is just trying to cut through all the red tape
and
monica lewinski's bank is on its knees
1. usual shenanigans involved in getting a 6yr old into a classroom by 8:55am escalated to levels normally associated with international crisis talks
2. dingbat driver didn't give way at the traffic control outside the school, and so he had to drive up onto the pavement to get round me 
3. dingbat driver no.2 had followed dingbat no.1 and so he also had absolutely nowhere to go as I was at the give-way by then: I wound my window down and asked "Where exactly would you like me to go, given that you should have given way to me?" at which point he stumbled for a comeback, failed to think of one and resorted to "Oh piss off" and then "You have an issue, bitch" as he also drove up on to the pavement at breakneck speed
Which was odd, because that's precisely what I was thinking. I DO have an issue with selfish drivers who have no regard for the safety of the children (who are all over the pavements at that time), no regard for the highway code and use the road as a ratrun because they are late for work.
So, duly vindicated, I drove home.
4. drove to a work site near home as I needed to use their LAN pcs for a particular job - none of them worked properly & after 2 hrs I gave up and ended up driving twice the distance to the next site to use theirs
5. ...thus missing out on the opportunity to get a decent meal in the site restaurant (having no kitchen at home due to MFI messing it up 2 months ago)
6. no parking space near that site meant a long walk in then I realised I'd left my drinks bag in the car
7. got a tuna sandwich from Sainsbury which had a bad effect on me later that evening
8. only after I'd finished the work & gone home did someone raise another item for inclusion
9. no word from sink supplier who was supposed to ring yesterday for me to collect it (another part of the ongoing MFI saga)
10. another lousy £14 spent getting a hot meal in the local 'pub' (if you can call these eating places pubs) due to not having a functioning kitchen (see #5) 
11. followed by refusals by afore-mentioned son to go to bed
1. Carpet fitters
Is it too much expect that when carpet tradesmen refer to themselves as 'professional' and able to do 'the complete job' it will include having the sense to remove bits of the previous carpet that the previous occupants managed to stick to the skirting board paint? Apparently not. Our cream carpet is outlined in red fluff.
2. Painter
This girl had a trademark. In every room she left an inch unpainted. Somewhere.
3. Conservatory
Several failed attempts to get East Cheshire Glass to do something. Anything.
This is literally falling apart and it's only a few years old. Had to stop the window cleaners standing on the conservatory roof to do the upstairs windows as it seemed to be causing the west vent to leak; the previous occupants let them go up there, but in view of the fact that they never paid East Cheshire Glass's bill due to a dispute about alleged poor workmanship, said company refuse to honour their guarantee (even though they insisted when I went to see their Finance Mgr that they would do the remedial work in good faith as indicative of their standing & reputation in the local community.) I think that proves something, maybe you can decide what.
4. Chimney
Got a guy to fit bird guards over the chimney; he was neither use nor ornament and accelerated the need for a new roof.
5. Fitted wardrobes
No problem here. They were from MFI 
yes amazing but true - but then they did provide us with an absolutely superb fitter.
The problem was that, in preparation, I decided to give the room a fresh coat of paint - and in removing the lid launched the pot contents all over the carpet. 
Moving on...
>:-( 6. New Roof
Roofers left rubble between the tiles & the felt. Hole was apparent next to chimney & they had to come back to stop water getting in & soaking the timber frame. Since then, water ingress has been occurring down the chimney breast. How did they manage that.
Scaffolders were a B.O.U.T. who did not use H&S compliant equipment or methods. They threw bolts down denting our lawn, and later scraped the scaffolding across our conservatory roof, causing huge tramline scratches as their scaffold unit dragged one of the afore-mentioned bolts with it. Despite being told 3 times not to put their weight on the conservatory roof, they still did and as a result the east vent is now leaking.
7. Loft boarding, new doors & general joinery
The guys were great, but unfortunately this ol' house couldn't take the hammering. Most of the upstairs ceiling plaster is cracked along the length of the beams.
8. Plasterer
This guy did a good job but suddenly (despite having done work for us before with no problems, and knowing we had other work for him) insisted on an instant cash payment just as I was called to rush my son to the eye hospital in an emergency. Not endearing. It's not as if he didn't know where we live!!! 
>:XX 9. Fitted Kitchen (MFI)
Oh don't get me started. Left in a bombsite for months. Missold on function and workmanship. And as for their Customer Satisfaction Policy, well it's about time they had one.
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20071128115740AAGzy08
http://bbs.scoobynet.com/non-scooby-related-4/453207-mfi-kitchen-problem.html
http://mfi-kitchen.blogspot.com/
10. Cleaners
This was a franchise, so I'd expect better. The first pair were fantastic ladies, but one of them left for better things & subsequent attempts at good replacements fell through. I had an ornament broken & put back surreptitiously so it looked not broken; a carpet burnt (1 inch sq.) where their vacuum cleaner blew up (they hid it with the waste paper bin); and the last pair did stuff-all work and would leave an hour early - I also had a cash card 'disappear' during their stint.
Nothing beats a good gripe. :>
]]>They're not all here, because the Halifax narked me off about a lot of stuff for years before I got on the web so these are just the recent ones I can remember.
If you have any of your own, feel free to comment.
Halifax employees need not respond as my resulting rudeness may offend.
1. SLAMMED THE DOOR on me because they were closing for lunch & didn't want any more customers in the queue. Scared the little toddler with me, and very nearly trapped his fingers in the door.
2. DUPLICATED house insurance so debits were going out on 2 policies.
3. LEFT WITH NO HOUSE INSURANCE - when I rang to complain about the 2 policies, they cancelled BOTH instead of one.
4. MESSED UP MY SHARES - I got Bank of Scotland shares and notified a change of name which they acknowledged. Following the subsequent merger into HBOS, all correspondence & dividends mysteriously resumed going to my previous name & address. Result: no dividends, no shares.
Stats Source: http://www.thisismoney.co.uk/
(2006)
Strewth that bloke's got no strides on.
]]>
I cannot tolerate being laid up unable to do anything, not even speak or move, or sleep properly, because of feeling sick & dizzy with a banging head. And as if that wasn't enough I even got a bout of labyrinthitis once on top of it all - someone up there's having a laugh.
If anyone wants to compare notes, here's my appraisal of the blummin thing:
CAUSE: Who knows, different reasons for different people. For me it can be: being a passenger, drinking coffee, hormonal triggers, circular or swinging fairground rides (and kiddies' swings!). I also think it's hereditary - my dad gets them, and my maternal great-gran also got her "stars and stripes" as she called it every 3-4 weeks, same as I now do and from around the same age, too. 
SYMPTOMS: sharp pain on one side of head, ensuing nausea, dizziness, headaches, vertigo. Imagine a VERY bad hangover, so bad you can't stand up, coupled with sea sickness, that stays for 3-7 days. And every time you use your senses (hearing, seeing, speaking) it gets worse.
MANAGEMENT:
Medication - 1 Migard at onset does alleviate some of it, although if I take it too early it can cause nagging symptoms to just spread themselves out over a whole week. Better to lie down & take it at full manifest, then sleep it off, but I'm a parent so it's rare I get the chance to do that really.
Used to rely on Migraleve, but that doesn't seem to work any more for some reason.
Russell Brand had a migraine on the show he did from NY last week (I'd get one, too, if I had to travel all that way & then perform) - "give me 2 pink and 2 yellow, Matt, c'mon, you can't muck around with migraine"
Too true.
Food - Lots of water based drinks & nothing milky, sugary or alcoholic! I used to go on a strict regime of particular non-fat, non-sugar, non-rich etc regular plain meals, but I recently read that it is better to keep eating normally rather than be restrictive, so I do that - although I do stay off the chocolate when the migraine is phasing. And I rarely eat cheese or drink alcohol these days anyway.
Fish has particularly good results, so I eat lots of that during a manifest, with plenty of vegetables. Yes, it is boring.
It's important to keep up the blood sugar, never skip meals, so I eat little and often. This works tremendously, but the downside is that I've put on a stone over the past year!
Lifestyle - Regular sleep is important, including for a nap 2-3pm when phasing. Luckily I can work from home, so the problems with looking at a VDU (which for any other employer would require me to take a week off work, and probably result in eventual dismissal for poor attendance) can be managed appropriately as I can still fulfill the requirements for my job without the pressure & stress of commuting & having to be somewhere 9-5.
PERSONAL: Migraine can put tremendous pressure on a relationship, and was a contributary factor to my divorce a long time ago. I am very lucky now (well, maybe it's my son who's the lucky one to have a dad that rallies round!) to have a supportive partner, even though he doesn't understand what migraine is and why it should be so debilitating (having never experienced the like). My son (5yrs) has come to understand that sometimes mummy has a headache and can only whisper to him. Bless him, the other day after school he said: "I'm going to get changed now mummy, but I won't turn my music up loud."
It's horrible on the days that we can't dance or play cricket together like usual. And my migraine causes emotional turbulence (often with depression, naturally), so imagine that feeling multiplied with a gutful of parental guilt! 
Well I guess that's cheered everyone up. 
Here's what's in it...
Bag of broken up milk chocolate snowman
100g Roskilly's Organic Clotted Cream Fudge
100g Centre Parcs Clotted Cream Fudge
Bag of 5 handmade luxury chocolates
third of a pack of McVities Chocolate Digestives
75g bar of Kim's Caramel & Hazlenut Cream/Caramel & Praline chocolate
3 Creme Eggs
45g bar Thornton's Chocolate (pig design)
80g bar Thornton's Chocolate with whole almonds
35g tube of Mason's Gourmet Foods milk, white & dark chocolate buttons
65g string bag of National Trust milk chocolate mini eggs
130g bag of M&S Belgian Chocolate coated raisins
Box of 6 chocolate Florida alligators from my USA penfriend 
2 milk chocolate mini fish, also from Florida
3 Cadbury's Flake bars
250g bar of Cadbury Dairy Milk Whole Nut
Do you think I should share it out? some of it is nearing it's sell by date - oh hang on, I just checked & some of it is past that, oops
Which to share & which to keep....? hmm
1. Organise & play buzz word bingo with as many of the meeting participants as you feel you can feasibly persuade to join in.
Rules: http://www.mftrou.com/buzz-word-bingo.html
Cards: http://www.btinternet.com/~mr.nik/business/buzz-bingo/
2. Play solitaire on the laptop.
3. Write a novel (looks impressive, this one - people will admire your earnest dedication to what appears to be enthusiastic note taking).
4. Organise your entire life: get your filofax up to date, make shopping/wish/christmas lists etc, draft personal resolutions and plan holidays & home projects.
5. Play jargon buster - give yourself a list of tacky business cliches/words and see how many you can actually use without sniggering, eg. "that's dead in the water", "touch base" and "fast track the solution". (Works with 1 or more players)
6. Day dream.
7. Try to follow and understand what's being said (note: ensure you have migraine tablets ready at the outset).
For telephone conferences (aka teleconferencing) all the following are plausible occupations when using the home landline. I'm sure there'll be infinitely more if you have a speaker phone at home or if your company pays for your mobile too, but these are just the ones I have actually done.
Note: A crude headset for landline phones can be fabricated using an elasticated headband and a roll of masking tape if the phone does not have a clip attachment.
Important: Remember to use the Mute facility.
1. Ironing
2. Painting & decorating
3. Watch a movie
4. Update iTunes & sync iPod
5. Gardening
6. Sex (see Important note above)
7. Preparing evening meal using slow cooker
8. Being in more than one teleconference
9. Creative arts & crafts with offspring
10. Buy & sell stuff on ebay
11. Combine with appointments with tradesmen looking to provide quotes or rectify damage after same have done jobs on house
12. Text people on mobile (add value by texting others who are in the same meeting), chat to neighbours or invite friends round for coffee
I've not managed to wash & style my hair during a teleconference yet, but I've not written off the possibility that it can be done using just a wireless handset with headband.
I have tried vacuuming the living room, but have to conclude that unfortunately that one wasn't compatible with teleconferencing.