A Muse.

FINE This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of these arguments.

FIVE MINUTES This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your footie game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it’s an even trade.

NOTHING This means "something" and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "five minutes" and end with "fine".

GO AHEAD (WITH RAISED EYEBROWS) This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "nothing" and will end with the word "fine".

GO AHEAD (NORMAL EYEBROWS) This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I dont care". You will get a "(raised eyebrow) go ahead" in just a few minutes followed by "nothing" and "fine", and she will talk to you in about "five minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH This is not actually a word but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "loud sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "nothing".

SOFT SIGH Again, not a word but a non-verbal statement. A "soft sigh" means that she is content; your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT’S OKAY This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That’s okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That’s okay" is often used with the word "fine" and in conjunction with a "raised eyebrow".

GO AHEAD At some point in the near future you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn’t get a "that’s okay".

THANKS A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say “you're welcome”.

THANKS A LOT This is much different from "thanks". A woman will say "thanks a lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way,and will be followed by the "loud sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "loud sigh" as she will only tell you "nothing".

There is an email doing the rounds at the moment which I reproduce here without prejudice so leaving you the Reader to assess the validity of the contents (unfortunately I am unable to reproduce the accompanying photos however, as I am not the owner)...

A brand spanking new Airbus 340-600, the largest passenger airplane ever built, sits just outside its hangar in Toulouse, France without a single hour of airtime.   

Enter, allegedly, the flight crew of Abu Dhabi Aircraft Technologies ( ADAT ) to conduct pre-delivery tests on the ground, such as engine run-ups prior to delivery to Etihad Airways in Abu Dhabi. The ADAT crew taxied the A340-600 to the run-up area.   
      
Then, apparently, the following happened:
They took all Four engines to takeoff power with a virtually empty aircraft. Not having read the run-up manuals, they had no clue just how light an empty A340-600 really is.  The takeoff warning horn was blaring away in the cockpit because they had all 4 engines at full power. The aircraft computers thought they were trying to take off, but it had not been configured properly (flaps/slats, etc..)   Then one of the ADAT crew decided to pull the circuit breaker on the Ground Proximity Sensor to silence the alarm. This fools the aircraft into thinking it is in the air.  The computers automatically released all the brakes and set the aircraft rocketing forward. The ADAT crew had no idea that this is a safety feature so that pilots can't land with the brakes on.  Not one member of the seven-man crew throttled back the engines from their max power setting, so the $200 million brand-new Aircraft crashed into a blast barrier, totalling it.   

The extent of injuries to the crew is unknown due to the news blackout in the major media in France and elsewhere.. as it seems coverage of the story was deemed insulting to a particular group.  However the photos are, it would seem, starting to leak out.   
  
      A French Airbus:   $200 million dollars  

A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pyjamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into the entry hall, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.

In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.

He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pyjamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, 'What happened here today?'

She again smiled and answered, 'You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?'

'Yes,' was his incredulous reply.'

She answered, 'Well, today I didn't do it.'

Bob & Betty Hill were holidaying in Europe, near Transylvania. They were driving along a deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front. Suddenly the car skids! Bob attempts to gain control, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.
Bob shakes his head to clear the fog.

Dazed, he looks over and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding!

Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance. He carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road.

After a while, he sees a light coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.

A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts out, "My name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"

"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him!"

When inside, an older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant has misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, we are miles from the nearest clinic, I have had basic medical training, I will see what I can do. Igor, show them down to the laboratory."

Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

After his examination, Igor's master looks worried.

"Things are serious, Igor.. Prepare a transfusion."

Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail.

Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he goes into his conservatory which houses his grand piano. It is here he has always found solace.. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house..

Igor is still in the lab and his eyes catch movement. He notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed when Betty and Bob both sit up straight!

Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.

He bursts in and shouts: "Master, Master! .....

(wait for it !)

... the Hills are alive with the sound of music!"

Damn good.

Love this.

http://www.sockandawe.com/